Hang On … How Many Times Must I Apologise?

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Flower in the handsOh, the memories of my shaky beginnings in kinesiology stay with me. From receiving an impromptu quick balance at an MBS (MindBodySpirit) festival, to the day I earned my diploma, I discovered so many bears to poke sticks at – often with no regard for the  consequences. Sometimes, in my fury, I exchanged that stick for a blunt, rusty spoon, – so I could, metaphorically, cleave the bearing heart from anyone who thwarted my progress. To those of you I ignored when you assailed me with messages of “work with your feelings”. “come from your heart”. “use your intuition”, “take a break”, I can only ask for your forgiveness.

Didn’t they realise I was on a mission? Didn’t they realise I could think my way out of most situations? It was my default setting. I had a trajectory. I had plans. I had momentum. Feelings were for the unhinged. I’m so, so sorry to all of you whom I have offended along the way.

Day 1 workshop 1 was horrific. I understood nothing. The other students seemed to know at least something. How was I supposed to learn, within the given timeframe , all that was presented (that meant memorising everything in sight and regurgitating it back like a good parrot)? All the while, I was still very firmly in my head and travelling nowhere near my heart. Intuition, I don’t think so. I’m so sorry to all of you I have insulted and dismissed.

I discovered most of the people in the class were studying or had just graduated from nursing degrees, psychology degrees, or basic science degrees. There were also naturopaths, engineers, kinesiologists looking to do CPE (Continued Professonal Education) and the rare young person who appeared to have walked in form the nearest commune. The last group seemed to be the most clued in out of any of us. There I was with my qualifications in …music… coupled with a TAFE (Technical and Further Education) cert in office management and another in training and assessment. Woohoo. And yet, I was always encouraged to stick with it. I’m so, so sorry to have doubted those of you who stuck by me.

My mind was melting. How was I to begin unraveling the mysteries, using what skill sets and where?

I survived the first round of workshops. I picked up a bit of the lingo. But could barely muscle test.

How was THAT even considered real in scientific terms? My nose was firmly in the workbooks with copious margin notes because I was still so clueless. I made a friend in the 2nd series of workshops.

She was my saviour. To this day I honour her. Oh, I can still hear her laughing. Sorry, not sorry.


On her advice, I attended an ashram for the barest minimum of time to learn a little yoga and philosophy. I discovered my instructor was also a kinesiologist. She, in turn, suggested that the easiest way to progress with kinesiology studies was to study massage. I smashed out a diploma of massage and learned a little about herbs, essential oils, crystals and how to make my own salves, and, of course, basic anatomy and physiology. Just enough to be dangerous. Jack of all trades, master of none. I was so happily uncomfortable during that period in my life. I’m so, so sorry for being so hard on my family.

I quickly discovered that massage clients were not willing kinesiology clients and that kinesiology clients seemed to know far more about the modality than I did and, for some unfathomable reason, expected me to have had medical and nutritional qualifications … using intuition and muscle testing only. Did I mention they were a huggy bunch? I was so far outside my comfort zone. I’m so, so sorry to those I alienated.

flying books

Up to that point, I lived almost exclusively in my head. At my friend’s suggestion I attended reiki workshops, angel workshops, dousing workshops and any workshop run by a spiritualist group.

Apart from my friend, I was yet to meet anyone else who admitted to doing this far out stuff, who didn’t appear to need sectioning. I knew no one who would admit to the struggle that raged between operating from a head space and a heart space What? Did everyone else find it easy? I’m so, so sorry for keeping silly secrets.

Eventually, I recognised my own progress. Over the next decade I enthusiastically learned various forms of kinesiology. Adding, refining, building and growing. I realised that I needed to be in my heart space. FINALLY. In kinesiology there is a process that begins: “Even though I have this judgement on ________ I am willing to _______ (in my case) consider the possibility, on the off chance that I may possibly consider the concept of loving and accepting myself.” And so, I thought, the real work was beginning. And yet, as I was getting the hang of this energy work, I was getting sick again. Clearly, I was missing something. Maybe a big shift was coming! Sure was, my personal life fell apart again. Oh no, I was soon packing my suitcases once more. I’m so, so sorry to all those I have hurt, especially myself.

Borrowing the Ho’oponopono.prayer, (I’m sorry. Forgive me. Thank you. I love you)

It’s a lovely time to heal. It’s never too late to apologise. Forgive and be forgiven.

Anne Brewer

Anne Brewer

Registered kinesiologist, RAW practitioner, CEC, Storyteller. Soon I’ll add some more alphabet letters to my name because I love to learn and share.


Anne Brewer

Anne Brewer

Registered kinesiologist, RAW practitioner, CEC, Storyteller. Soon I’ll add some more alphabet letters to my name because I love to learn and share.


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